To Forgive

I’m a hypocrite.  As humans most of us are.  Honestly ask yourself – have you ever dished advice to others that you find almost impossible to follow yourself?  I know I have.  And more regularly then I care to admit.

But here I am, admitting.  My husband often tells me to cut myself some slack.  In at least one phone conversation per week, my mom tells me to be nicer to myself.  My typical responses range from “I’ll do my best” to “I’m truly working on it”.  The truth is I have no idea how to actually put said advice into action.

On paper it all sounds simple – don’t take things too seriously, forgive myself for my mistakes, and embrace my imperfections.  It’s not that I want to be perfect all the time, nor that I want to be mistake free.  I just don’t want to let myself down.  I have this inner voice, a moral compass if you like, that guides me when making most of my decisions.  This voice comes from a place of goodness and heartfelt sincerity and only rarely steers me in the wrong direction as long as I am tuned in to its frequency.

There are times, mostly hectic or stressful situations, when I’m not as connected to my instincts.  I make a rash, quick decision and later realize it wasn’t the right one to make.  Typically these decisions are small, they don’t bear any significant consequences; yet I berate myself later for the misstep.  It can be something as simple as forgetting to return a customer phone call before the end of the workday.  Sometimes it can wake me up in the middle of the night, my subconscious stumbling upon the mistake jerking me into an alert awareness that can keep me up for hours.

Truly it’s not that dramatic.  I can usually move past the mistake in 24 hours or so, but will feel the guilty remnants for days afterwards if I let my mind drift back.  It’s absurd really.  If someone else were to make such a small mistake, I would dismissively tell them not to worry about it and make a joke about how silly they were to overreact to something so meaningless.  And I mean it.  For them.  Not for me. 

It’s so much easier for me to forgive others, and to rationalize a mishap done by someone else.  They’re only human, of course.  But I’m human too, so why can’t I forgive me?  I am sure a psychologist or two could reference different experiences in my life that have led to this complex of mine, but a professional opinion is outside of my current budget.

I think I am similar to many other women today.  We hold ourselves to superhero standards, and when we don’t meet the impossible ideal we are disappointed and embarrassed.  For me, my pride definitely takes a hit and that’s one of the lowest blows. 

The fact of the matter is Wonder Woman isn’t real.  We would all love to be the perfect wife, friend, daughter, employee, student, yogi, runner, surfer, wine connoisseur, but where would we fit it all in?  And if we are striving for perfection in so many different aspects, when do we have time for ourselves?  Time to put into our inner core beings?  And maybe that’s the problem.  If you don’t take the time to nourish and cherish your inner self, you’re left vulnerable and insecure.  You’re susceptible to place unrealistic pressure on yourself in situations where mistakes are bound to happen.

Everyone says to learn from your mistakes, and I hold that mantra close to my heart.  I’ve learned hard lessons from many of my mistakes, but they have made me the woman I am today.  And although I am not always nice to the person in the mirror, most of the time I am proud of who she is.  As I continue to grow and change, while continuing to make plenty more mistakes both big and small, I plan to treat myself more gently.  Step back, take a deep breath, and be a little more empathetic to my inner self.  Because I realize as I finish this blog, I deserve it.